Operative-Neighbor Of The Beast

Alias: Melissa Berkoff

Probability of accuracy: high

Physical Description: despite being only three feet tall, Berkoff is widely rumored to be one of the most dangerous of the AOD groupies. Primarily dressed in black. Requires corrective lenses for day and night driving. Becomes skittish around unwashed dishes. Walks with a limp rumored to be the result of a failed attempt.

History: 'Melissa Berkoff'.

In counterpoint to her obviously sociopathic demeanor, Berkoff began life as one Brenda Roscyzyky, of Northridge, CA. An ostensibly normal childhood characterized by Girl Scout cookie sales and My Little Pony collections led to turbulent teen years. Analysts believe that Roscyzyky/Berkoff's down ward spiral began after a failed attempt to get Menudo bassist 'Mannie' to escort her to the La Brea HS prom. This shock led Berkoff to commit a series of attempted armed hijackings at area Headlines retail outlets. All were foiled by sales staff after telephone calls to Roscyzyky's mother, Edna (and, apparently, a 50% off sale on 'gummi bracelets'). Repeated counseling and lithium treatments were regarded as a success by all. Said Ms. Paula Woodsmith, LBHS' life skills teacher: "Brenda seems so enthusiastic about her cooking and budgeting, it's just a complete miracle."

Indeed, it seems that Ms. Roscyzyky had rejoined society. Bureau Records indicate that she married an insurance salesman from Columbus, Ohio, after a brief courtship and settled in nearby Dublin. Then, in late 1989, Mrs. Pillhoufsen (nee Roscyzyky) was on her way home from the local JCPenny. She never made it. At about this time local radio station WHOT (FM98.3Mhz) was playing its "worst of the decade" special, which awarded the band Menudo "4Th worst idea in 80's pop".

Speculation aside, Mrs. Pillhoufsen's 1988 GM Reliant was found several weeks later in the parking lot at New York's LaGuardia. She attempted to purchase a one way ticket to Mexico City, but none were available. The last sighting was by a West German customs agent who admitted Mrs. Pillhoufsen to the country. Her stated purpose of visit was "to find her comrades in the Red Brigade." Anecdotal evidence suggests that she was denied asylum in the Workers Paradise because, as one former East German border guard put it, "Ve vere busy at ze time." Interpol suggests she stayed on in Berlin as a Biergarten waitress and moonlighted in a Bauhaus inspired performance art deconstruction of Chekov's 'The Sea Gull' where she played a comma.

Nelson Ledges overall podium, 2004.

Willow Springs T4, Y2K WERA 24-hour.
Photo by Brian J. Nelson.